Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
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Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
A great tip. #CakeRex
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.