Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
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AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”