Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
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Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework