Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
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Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife: