Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
You Might Also Like
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.