WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
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HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or