was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
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Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet