Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
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Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I’m confused about plants
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do