My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
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I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.