Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
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*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence