“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
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Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
2022 be like
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
step 6: release the wall snake
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.