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I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what鈥檚 your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
No, I didn鈥檛 get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Picture this. You鈥檙e blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You鈥檙e surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
My wife鈥檚 stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
My daughter just told me I鈥檓 giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I鈥檓 finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”