Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
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waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?