*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.