*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
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I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Ghost costume 😂
kevin is now a local weatherman
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Ion see the issue
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Hmm, not sure about this change
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.