*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
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Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*