Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
You Might Also Like
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Mornin. * use accordingly
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I’m sorry…what?
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.