[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
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My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something