wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
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interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Breakfast for Stoners:
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal