Wasn’t this a cartoon.
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Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope