Wasn’t this a cartoon.
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Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
me irl
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William