Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
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A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
#CatsOnTwitter
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?