Wasps: bees, but not helping
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date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.