wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

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WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this


I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.


Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.


5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves


DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals

GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay


them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

me: finger quotes sure


An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.


Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.