Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
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if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”