Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
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You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
The biggest mystery of our time
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
🙅🏻
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.