Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
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Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
just having fun
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence