Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
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Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.