Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
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Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Breaking news:
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
i hope my email finds you on fire