watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
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Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
listen closely
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates