@noog

Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”

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@Social_Mime

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

@youngkrazz

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

@MikeBigby

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

@Bexdora

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

@ThisOneSayz

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

@CornOnTheGoblin

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

@Humor_Fetish

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices