If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
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Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices