Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
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exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Stop.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
i think both sides are to blame here
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.