Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
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Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Sounds like a bargain
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
can’t bark with your mouth full
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.