“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
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A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.