Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
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Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
dads on road-trips be like
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
LA today:
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
so i’m at the stock market right
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.