“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
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Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.