@BobbyBucchae

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

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@sucittaM

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

@donni

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

@djdarrellripley

*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!

@Fred_Delicious

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

@DurtMcHurtt

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

@ZombieProblms

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

@Gelatin_Cyborg

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

@SamGrittner

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.