@BobbyBucchae

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

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@murrman5

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

@sofarrsogud

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

@Lazor2828

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

@DocAtCDI

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

@newLettuce

Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia

Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-

Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Ugh, please just take me home

Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS

@DanMentos

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic

@murrman5

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

@simranstatin

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

@Wordesse

10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”

Husband:

Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”