Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

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is your name melissa?
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?


SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.


If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.


Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!


Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia


Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-


Date: Ugh, please just take me home

Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS


words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic


“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”


“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.


10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”


Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”