Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
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[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Never let them know your next move 😂
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
I’m tired tomorrow.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past