Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
You Might Also Like
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.