Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
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People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.