*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
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My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”