*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
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My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.