*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
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Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.