*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
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reminder
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
tell em, edith-anne
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.