@ClickBaite

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

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@ceejoyner

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

@Bob_Janke

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

@causticbob

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

@markydoodoo

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

@GrantTanaka

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

@hardasamother

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

@PJTLynch

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

@molly7anne

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂