@ClickBaite

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

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@Ygrene

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

@LeBearGirdle

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

@elizaleela

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

@SketchesbyBoze

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

@rusty_coach

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

@ktmcburr

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

@Manda_like_wine

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

@robdelaney

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

@daemonic3

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

@KaysNH

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.