@Ygrene [wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
@ClickBaite Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
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@Ygrene 
@LeBearGirdle *Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
@elizaleela Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
@SketchesbyBoze he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
@rusty_coach When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
@ktmcburr “Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
@Manda_like_wine Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
@robdelaney “Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
@daemonic3 [interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
@KaysNH A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.