@ceejoyner I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
@ClickBaite Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
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@ceejoyner 
@UnimpressedWU Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
@Bob_Janke If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
@causticbob Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
@markydoodoo [inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
@GrantTanaka wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
@hardasamother Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
@PJTLynch That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
@molly7anne Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
@SheMightHave Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.