*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
You Might Also Like
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
My purse is deeper than some people.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
$3 #books
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”