*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
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Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Warm pools make me nervous.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
This is my bus stop.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.