*watches the world burn*
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The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.