*watches the world burn*

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My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.


Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*


This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.


There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot


due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds


If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.


Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!


[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”


My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”

Me: “OK.”

*takes a nap*

*reads four books*

*builds a pyramid*