*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
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at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Muppet Screams
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.