-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
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Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Have a lovely day 😊
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?