*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
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If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?