[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
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[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Good boy 😂😂
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
This will never not be funny 😭
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
wow
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
The internet is magic sometimes.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that